Praying and Waiting

"Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord; hear my voice!  If you, Lord, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand:? But there is forgiveness with You, That You may be feared.  I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, And in His word I do hope.  My soul waits for the Lord, More than those who watch for the morning - Yes, more than those who watch for the morning. O Israel, hope in the Lord; For with the Lord there is mercy, and with Him is abundant redemption.  And He shall redeem Israel from all his iniquities." Psalm 130

The last few days we have been on an emotional roller coaster.  The stress of Jonathan being in surgery was enough to make me feel sick, but the news that we might not be finished with this fight just about sent me on the run.  If there was a way to outrun this disease I would gladly do that for my precious husband, but then I would miss out on all the blessings and lessons God has in store for us.

Yesterday was my day to cry and feel discouraged about the results of Jonathan's surgery.  No, it wasn't what we had hoped to hear, but it was exactly what God wanted us to hear.  For whatever reason, He has not finished with us yet on this training ground.  We will boldly walk forward, resting in the arms of our Heavenly Father, knowing that He loves us more than I can possibly ever love Jonathan.  With a love that great and perfect He will not allow anything to happen to us that is also not for our ultimate good.  You may ask how I can say that when the person I most treasure on this earth is in extreme pain and with the possibility that it will get worse before it gets better.  I can say that because I know God hears my voice, He has forgiven me, and His word does give me hope.  The best part for me when I read Psalm 130 was the last part "for with the Lord there is mercy, and with Him is abundant redemption."  He is a God of great compassion and mercy and I rest in the knowledge of who He is and not in my circumstances.

Today I was able to spend some quality time with our children this morning while Jonathan's parents went to the hospital to be with him.  It was very needed for the kiddos.  Benjamin has been very emotional the last couple of days and Emily and Courtney are afraid I won't come back.  It is so hard to reassure an almost 4 and almost 2 year old that Mommy will be here for them when I have been gone so much lately.  We do the best we can and pray that God will give them peace in the midst of their storm.  I took them to the hospital to see Daddy and it was the right decision.  I wasn't sure how they would respond to seeing him with the drain still coming out of his neck - kinda yucky.  I think they were so glad to see him that they didn't really notice the incision on his neck or the tubes coming out of his neck.  In fact Benjamin and Emily were not ready to leave when Grandma and Grandpa were ready to take them home.  It was good for Jonathan to see his kids as well.  I was so encouraged with how well Jonathan was doing today.  He got up and walked a lap around his hospital floor before collapsing in bed.  He looks so much better, thanks to all your prayers.  Tomorrow may be the day he gets to drink something.  Pray that all goes well and that it actually happens - he is getting pretty thirsty and that little bitty sponge that has a little water on it does nothing to wet his mouth much less quench his thirst.

Praise the Lord, I was finally able to meet with Dr. Holzbeierlein the Urologist who performed the surgery on his stomach today.  He told me that he felt the ENT (ear nose throat) was able to get all the tumor out of his neck, but that Dr Tsue (ENT) might not have felt as confident since he doesn't work with this type of cancer very often.  That greatly encouraged Jonathan and me.  He also said that there was a VERY slight chance that the preliminary pathology report could be wrong and when the final report comes back it could show that the disease is completely gone.  Not something we should anticipate, but something we can definitely pray for.  If it does come back as cancerous then we will be facing another couple of rounds of chemo, even if the surgeons were able to remove all the tumors,  Hey, aren't you glad we serve a BIG God and nothing is too difficult for Him.  He will either choose to heal Jonathan now, or He will choose to carry us through the next difficult phase.  Whatever the outcome, His name will be glorified.

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